It appears that I haven't blogged in a while--like almost 3 years. WHAT? Yeah, well. In the coming weeks I will have more time to myself, which also means more time to blog. In just less than 3 weeks, my children will be returning to school. Nathan will be in 3rd grade, and Keira (yes, that once super tiny baby) will be in kindergarten. I still haven't figured out how and when they got so big. I will also have more time on my hands because I have decided to leave the field of childcare for the foreseeable future. Don't get me wrong--it can be a very rewarding job. However, it is also physically and mentally draining--even more so when you have your own two children, one of whom is special needs. It's time for a change in my life--time to stop caring exclusively for other people, and time to concentrate on me.
At the end of the week, I am exhausted and I have nothing left to give. That means my husband and my kids spend the weekend with a tired, grumpy, and often frazzled woman. I can't say for sure, but I would guess that's not really that much fun. I do know this--it is *not* fun to be cranky and irritated all the time, yelling at the members of your family for no apparent reason. I feel guilty about it, but don't really have any coping mechanisms (except Xanax!). I know my depression and anxiety certainly play a role.
All that being said, this will not be a year of sitting on my butt eating bonbons or going to the spa. This will be about making my life healthier. Obviously there is the physical aspect--I am hoping to find at least one method of exercising that I don't hate. I need to lose more weight, and I need to move my body. Of course, none of the exercise helps if I continue to eat junk. I hope to make more home-cooked, healthy meals for my family. I might even learn to like a new food! Also, my mental health is an issue. I have battled depression and anxiety since high school, but it gets harder to cope each year. I am hoping to find a therapist who can help me find new ways of battling against negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and anxiety. The meds I take are only one dimension of achieving better mental health.
Another way I intend to use this newly found time is to find something I can be passionate about. I have no hobbies to speak of, which leads me to watch too much TV and not enough "doing" something. I used to cross-stitch, but I haven't done that since I was pregnant for Nathan! Crochet seems interesting. I can see myself volunteering, though I am not sure for what group or cause--seems a little trial and error will be necessary. I would also love to find a good book club, or a women's spiritual/church group. In turn, these activities should lead to more opportunities for me to be social and meet new people.
Will these changes be easy? Will I find a hobby with the first thing I try? Will I find a good therapist (man, I hope so!)? Will these changes make me happy? Honestly, I have no idea--I have never been on a journey like this. I do know it will make things less stressful at home. I hope to enjoy my time with Nathan and Keira more, and learn new things with them. Joe and I will also have a chance to better our relationship. The plan now is to meet for lunch once a month, where we can just eat and talk, and not worry about cooking/cleaning up or cajoling the children into eating. We get very little time to ourselves as a couple, and I, for one, am looking forward to catching up with my hubby!
I do hope you will take this journey with me, even if it just means reading my blog. You don't have to comment, say things on Facebook, or even call or email. Just knowing I have my friends and family behind me, no matter what, is a source of great joy and inspiration. Maybe you could even share tales of your own journey. It's good to be back in the world of blogging. I hope to not be gone so long next time!