Anniversary Cake

My grandmother used to make pound cakes in multiples, like 5 or 6 in a day.  She would cut them in half, wrap one half and freeze it.  Often she would send at least one of the other halves back to the College of Charleston with my daddy, who was skinny as a rail from running cross-country and track. 

When Joe and I got married one of the best parts of planning was selecting the cake.  I mean, who doesn't love cake?  We found a woman who made a lemon pound cake that was Uh-may-zing!  Let me tell you how special it was.  When I walked into the reception hall, I smelled something wonderful.  It was my cake!  It was excellent that day, and one year later. 

This year we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary.  Instead of buying something or making a standard chocolate cake, I decided to try my hand at a pound cake.  Before I share this recipe, I should note that my sister is queen of the pound cake--why would I bother making one when hers are the best?  Well, being 9 hours apart from each other and all, I didn't think she would be coming up just to bake us a cake!  Without further ado, here is the recipe:

Pearl Pound Cake, from the Sandlapper Cookbook

2 sticks butter, at room temperature

1/2 c. shortening

1 c. milk

3 c. sugar

3 c. flour

1 tsp. baking powder

5 large eggs

1-2 tsp. flavoring

Grease and lightly flour a large tube pan.
Cream butter and shortening well.  Add sugar gradually.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.  Add baking powder to flour, and add alternately with the milk to the creamed mixture.  Bake at 325 degrees for 1 hour, 20 minutes.  Cool in pan. 

Hope y'all enjoy this as much as I do.  Look out, sister, there's a new pound cake maker in this family!

A Visit to the Neurologist

Due in part to my child's pediatrician being awesome, we were able to get in with a pediatric neurologist this past week.  Having never been to a neurologist, pediatric or otherwise, I had no idea what to expect.  The four of us spent a little more than 2 hours with the doctor.  Talk about thorough!  We talked about everything from Nathan's slightly early arrival (insignificant) to his aversion to loud noises (significant).  We talked about developmental milestones, injuries, and Nathan's ability to read and spell. A great many things seemed trivial to me, but not the doctor.  Guess that's why he has the initials M.D. right?!

Once we were done getting through the details of Nathan's childhood, the good doctor started his physical evaluations: reflexes, listening to the blood flow up to Nathan's brain, walking heel-to-toe and that sort of thing.  It was truly fascinating to watch the doctor do this--all the while, Nathan was completely complicit and obedient, if not a little distracted at times.

We came home with a lot of new information to digest, as well as some local resources to help us get started with things.  We learned that Nathan's original diagnosis of ADHD is correct--there are just other things mitigating his treatment and responses.  There are, indeed, some neurological (and sensory) deficits.  Mostly Nathan seems to have auditory and tactile issues, which we knew, and he does exhibit some sensory-seeking behaviors.  The doctor also identified hypotonia, both in Nathan's hands and feet.  The hypotonia is causing Nathan difficulty with fine and gross motor activities (no wonder the kid has trouble with his bike, and why he refuses to "write" much of anything).  Perhaps the most notable piece of information is that Nathan seems to exhibit Autism-like tendencies.  This puts him in a category known as ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorders.  More specifically, he seems to have Aspergers's Syndrome.

The treatments for these things will vary greatly, and only the ADHD is treatable with medications.  As for the hypotonia and Asperger's, the treatments are non-pharmaceutical.  He will need extensive occupational therapy (OT) and physical therapy (PT) as well as social skills training.  We have lots of reading to do, and lots of therapy to prepare for.  The learning curve will be very steep for a while.  There will still be bumps in the road, but now that we have a map and itinerary, we are set for a great trip!

Consistency is the Key

Two really tough things for me as a parent are consistency and follow-through.  My grandmother once said the hardest thing you will ever have to do as a parent is say NO.  Boy, was she right!  Today we were all supposed to go to a birthday party, depending on whether or not Nathan behaved himself earlier in the day.  From the minute he got up this morning, he fussed, whined, moaned, griped and cried.  About what?  Who knows.  We had repeatedly told him that if he couldn't act better than that, he would be staying home with me.  He was actually fairly calm when Joe and Keira left--it wasn't until he realized where they were going did he start to get upset.  As it turns out, he and I had a nice afternoon.  We played with (little) Legos and his magnetic balls and sticks, both of which he can't play with when Keira is nearby.  I got to putter in the yard for a while which is incredibly therapeutic for me.  He had a dinner of his choice (mini corn dogs and fries) along with Disney's Robin Hood as a movie.  When Keira gets home it will be bath night, and then off to bed with prayers, stories and lullabies.  And all will be right with the world again, as my children turn into heavenly creatures as they sleep.

I hate telling him (or Keira) no--it makes me feel bad.  However, I know that I am doing the right thing: I set boundaries and established rules, and I follow through with the appropriate consequences.  It's true--children do thrive when there is stability and constancy, both in their daily routines and in the world around them.  For a child like Nathan, who doesn't tolerate change well, it is even more critical.  So while I may feel lousy for saying "No" I know that I am doing the best for my child, and for me.  And that's all that matters.

Nilla Wafers Banana Pudding

I figured after the last several posts, we could all use a little cheering up.  Nothing does it for me quite like comfort food.  This is another one of those southern staples that so many have tried to re-create.  Try as they may, they ALL fail miserably!  I grew up eating this delectable concoction all through the year, not just picnic season. I hope you will enjoy it as well!

3/4 cup sugar
2 T. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
3 eggs, separated
2 cups milk
1 tsp. vanilla
box of vanilla wafers
6 medium bananas, sliced

Combine 1/2 cup sugar, flour, and salt in top of double boiler; stir in milk.  Cook over boiling water, stirring constantly, until thickened.  Cook uncovered for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Remove from heat.  Beat egg yolks, adding slowly to the hot mixture.  Return to double boiler and cook for 5 minutes, stirring constantly.  Remove from heat, and add vanilla.  Line the bottom of a 1 1/2 quart (or 9x13) with cookies.  Top with bananas and custard.  Continue layers, ending with custard on top.  Beat egg whites stiff, not dry.  Gradually add remaining 1/4 cup sugar and beat until stiff peaks form.  Pile on casserole.  Bake at 425 for 5 minutes, or until lightly browned.  Serve warm or chilled.

Hope y'all enjoy this as much as I do. Let me know if you like it.  No other banana pudding-wannabes will be accepted after you eat this--I promise! 

The Real Deal (or, my authentic self)

Lately I have been feeling out of sorts, and I wonder if some of that doesn't stem from me trying to appear a certain way.  I want to be seen as patient, kind, understanding, confident.  I want to be the mom who appears to be cool-and-collected, the "fun" mom, the "cool" mom.  But what are any of those things really?  Those labels are mostly applied by people outside the realm of my home.  It would be terrific if people really thought those things of me.  But the more important issue is how I see myself, and how my kids see me.  To achieve that, I must break off the relationship I have with negative self-talk; I must seek joy in the everyday things; I must be honest with myself and others; I need to break out of my comfort zone, and be afraid to try new things; I must allow myself to fail (and succeed!); I must forgive myself (and other).

Today, I will be honest with you about myself.  Here are a few things that you may or may not know about me:

• I love to eat.  A lot.  I am working hard on changing this, because this way of life is too damaging to continue.
• I have lousy teeth, and I hate the dentist.
• I am the opposite of high-maintenance: I don't use a blow dryer or styling products for my hair; I rarely wear make up; I own tennies and sandals, with dress shoes in the standard colors (black, white, etc).
• I would rather load the dishwasher than unload it.  Same for packing a suitcase versus unpacking it.
• I believe in God, but do not go to church.  I pray every night, and we say the blessing before dinner each evening.
• I prefer to drive a manual transmission vehicle.
• I would love to have a creative outlet outside of coloring with my kids.

Feel free to ask me anything you wish.  There is no guarantee that I will answer the questions, but I have nothing to hide.  Here's a parting question for you: what are your sources of joy?
Thanks for reading, and keep coming back--I hope you get to know me while I get to know myself!

No answers

So we still don't have any answers about Nathan.  I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get him seen by a pediatric neurologist.  The more I read and watch his behaviors, the more I think that the original diagnosis of ADHD is wrong.  I really feel like there is a sensory aspect to all of his behaviors/issues.  Of course, I am no doctor, but it seems to me that a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a better fit. 
He has been on the a stimulant now for about 3 1/2 weeks, and hasn't shown much improvement.  I see that most of the things that were issues before are still issues.  I am really anxious about registering him for school, but I know that I have to do it for him, and for me.  I am frustrated, he is frustrated, and it makes for a very tense household!

Hindsight

We've all heard the saying that hindsight is 20/20.  Upon receiving a diagnosis for Nathan, and doing some reading on ADHD, I see things about his development that now make sense:

• Nathan has always been on the go.  It used to drive me bonkers that he couldn't sit down at the dinner table for all his squirming.  He also had a tough time with circle/line time.  Surprisingly, he has always done very well on long car rides. 
• Because of his inability to focus or stay on task, potty training was a nightmare.  He didn't want to be bothered to pay attention to the signals his body was giving him.  Also, just the act of going into the bathroom was a problem because he didn't want to stop his activity.
• He has a low frustration-tolerance.  I thought it was just because he was my child; I don't have much patience and I get frustrated when things don't go just the right way.  This may be the answer for why he can't hold a writing utensil correctly, or write many letters or numbers.  He can tell you precisely how they are formed, and can make letters/shapes out of other things (like pretzels or blocks).  I think he just can't be bothered to sit still long enough to learn how.  I wonder if that was my dad's problem?
• I do believe that his lack of focus is also to blame for him not riding his bike more proficiently.  He can steer OR pedal, but he has a tough time remembering to do both.  Same thing with his scooter.  We have been practicing, but it has to be his idea.

In spite of his struggles and challenges, Nathan does some other things amazingly well.  Like reading--he is reading well beyond what I consider a 1st grade level, and his vocabulary is quite large.  He is quite articulate, more so than some older kids I know.  I also feel like there are no strangers to Nathan--he will talk to anyone he encounters.  He has a wonderful memory--he forgets NOTHING.  I sometimes wonder if he has a photographic memory.

So here is my question to you: what do you see better now that you are beyond a certain situation?
Thanks for reading.

Putting it all out there...

     See that sweet face up there?  Yes, I realize he is only 3 here, but that's not the point.  The point is that my sweet, affectionate, curious and highly-intelligent son is possessed.  I don't mean in the traditional Satanic and demonic way; but in a very real way, known to the general public as ADHD. 

     I can't even tell you when it first started, or when I began to notice that things were just "not right."  Nathan talked early, and talked well.  Once he started, he never stopped.  Ever (except for sleep!).  But I didn't see anything wrong with it; in fact, it was a comfort for me that on nights he couldn't/didn't fall asleep easily, I could hear him chattering away to himself in his bed--there was very little fussing or crying. I do believe he would talk himself to sleep.  Now there is no quiet unless he is sleeping.

     Nathan was also able to entertain himself for long periods of time (upwards of 45 min as a toddler).  It meant I could do housework, cook a meal, or <gasp> read a book.  However, when it came time for him to sit still for others (ie, circle time at school) he couldn't.  It wasn't even a matter of wouldn't.  He was/is physically unable to sit still (not to mention quietly) unless it is of his own choosing.  Even now, the only times he sits for any length of time are when he is reading (again, there is quiet) or when he is in front of his computer. I also noticed that he started playing with his fingers (putting one fingernail under another, chewing or picking at the skin around his nails). He is easily distracted and has a hard time focusing on things.  I chalked it up to him being "all boy."  And some of that is true.  But his inability to sit/be still has caused problems, and I fear it will continue to do so when he attends "real" school in the fall.

      He is impulsive, prone to mood swings and tantrums, and sometimes out-right rude and out of control.  One of the most difficult things for me is that I dont' know which Nathan I will get when he wakes in the morning.  He is destructive, especially when angry, and cannot be trusted not to demolish things.  He can be physically abusive to family, friends, and schoolmates. I don't believe that it is all malicious, though certainly some, if not most, of it is.  Rather, I believe he sees it as a science experiment--what will happen to X if I do/say/ Y.  He sees the consequence(s) of his action as a scientific result, not as an "I did something bad, and deserve to be reprimanded." 

   We have tried charts, points, rewards, goals, counting to 3 (which has by far been the most effective), loss of privileges, sending him to his room.   When these things failed, I knew it was time to seek professional help.  We started seeing a therapist here in town--she helped me tweak some of the behavior modifications that I had tried.  That helped some.  By this time, hubby and I were seriously thinking about medicating Nathan.  Did we really want to medicate a child under the age of 5?  What if the medication(s) didn't help, or made things worse?  Was there anything else we could try?  Sadly, we were not able to come up with any other alternatives.  Just after the new year started, Nathan started taking a non-stimulant.  The side effects were minimal. Unfortunately, the benefits were as well.  Now, with his 5th birthday imminent, we are planning to "celebrate" by getting a prescription filled for a stimulant. 

     Now, if you are still reading, thank you!  I am sharing this because I need people to know that my child is not a monster. I am so sorry if my child ever hurt yours--I can't begin to  say how sorry I am, because it can never be enough. He is not a bad kid. He is not a bully.  I don't want him to be the one parents roll their eyes at upon seeing him.  I want him to have friends.  I want him to feel like a normal kid, whatever that means.  I want him to be successful in school, and whatever else he may want to try (sports, chess, gardening, etc). 

   I also need for people to understand how exhausting and frustrating it can be as a parent in this situation.  I have left work (with kids in tow) in tears.  I go to sleep crying some nights.  I get angry, irritable, and mean.  I yell at my kids.  I pop Nathan's hands and behind.  I don't like it.  I hate being angry with him.  It is NOT his fault, or mine, that he is this way.  I wish I could wave a magic wand to bring back my sweet child.  I know he is still there, for I see glimpses of him every now and then.

I'm Still Here

I didn't blog one single time in October.  It wasn't intentional, to say the least.  Here's a condensed version of my October:
1--my mother flies in for 10 days.  Joe was supposed to go for a work training thing, but it got cancelled.  My kids couldn't get enough of Oma.

3--the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing.  A sad day (I have a post from this day, but not ready to share it yet), but tried to spend the day thinking of all the good times I had with him.

11--take mom back to the airport in Baltimore--great trip down, lousy trip home.  Keira was tired beyond belief but wouldn't fall asleep, lest she miss something.  I guess I deserve that--my mom says I was the same way at that age.

14--wake up from an evening nap on the couch, feeling like a panic attack was imminent.  Went upstairs, dosed myself with Xanax and took a shower.  Got sick, spent most of the night breathing into a paper bag, and ended up sleeping in the guest room.

15--take the children to a friend's Fall Festival.  There is tons of good food, and nothing even looks good.  Children had lots of fun.  I felt mostly okay while we were there, but didn't make it through the evening without getting sick.

16--still feeling lousy.  I can't keep anything down, begin to worry about dehydration.

17--doctor's appointment--confirms that I am likely dehydrated, and wants me admitted to the hospital (via the ER) to get IV fluids.  Come home, very upset, to pack a bag for the hospital.  I leave home in tears, leaving my son in tears and my hubby very uncertain about the situation.  I arrive at the ER, whereupon I get sick several more times as I waited most impatiently to be admitted.  I was finally admitted around 8 that night.  The nurses had a hard time finding a vein, and left several nasty bruises in the process.  Blood work comes back and the doctor doesn't seem surprised that my liver enzymes are elevated.  He talks about it being pancreatitis (very scary for a diabetic) or my gall bladder. **I have eaten nothing today.**

18--spend the day laying in a not-so-comfy hospital bed, getting pumped full of fluids and antibiotics, waiting to find out what the doctors have to say.  I am given meds for nausea and pain, but no food or drink.  Not even ice chips.  By late afternoon, a doctor comes by to tell me that they are going to put a scope down my throat to see the gall stones and see if they can move/dislodge them.

19--get a visit from sweet hubby and delightful daughter.  She was fascinated by all the monitors, but mostly by the hospital-issue comb and toothbrush!  I am prepped for my procedure around 1pm, and I am back in my room by 3 or 4pm.  **Still no food or water by mouth**

20--prepped for surgery around noon.  A second day of general anesthesia, and this time 4 little cuts (laparascopic surgery).  Back upstairs by around 5pm.  The best news of the day--I can have clear fluids (ginger ale, broth, etc).  Who knew that broth could taste so good?!  My mom also flies back to help with the children (and me, when I am home) while I am incapacitated.

21--released from hospital with a flu vaccine and pain pills.  So glad to be home with my babies and into my own bed!

27--30--Hubby flies to Notre Dame to recruit for his employer.  While there, he goes to a football game, meets up with friends and colleagues and even a family member.  No one was more deserving of this trip, but I know my mom and I (and the kids, of course) were glad to have him home!

31--Halloween!  Sent goody bags to school for Nathan, made homemade pizza for dinner, then got the kids dressed up: Nathan was James from Thomas and Friends and Keira was a pegasus.  I stayed home to hand out candy while my mom and Joe made the rounds with the kids.

How was your month?  Also, please let November be boring!  Boring is good.

Macaroni Pie

This recipe comes from Charleston Reciepts, a staple in South Carolina kitchens.  This has no white sauce or bechemel, so if that's what you are looking for, keep looking!

1/2 pound macaroni
1 heaping tablespoon butter
1 1/2 cups sharp cheese, cubed
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
3 eggs
1 pint milk

Cook macaroni in rapidly boiling water for ten minutes. Drain. Stir butter and cheese--leaving abuot 1/2 cup to sprinkle on top of pie--into the hot macaroni; add salt, pepper and mustard.  Beat eggs into the mixture, add milk and mix well.  Put into greased baking dish, sprinkle top with remaining cheese and dot with butter.  Bake in moderate oven (about 375) until set in the middle and bubbly and golden.

NB: I always use more cheese (approx 2 cups).  I also prefer white pepper, and I use a whole teaspoon of mustard.  You will need a total of 2-3 T of butter.  You can certainly use margarine, if you like.
I hope y'all will enjoy this recipe as much as I have over the years.