Somewhere in the blogosphere....

Once upon a time, I had a crazy idea to start a blog.  It went rather well the first several months.  Then there was the inevitable lull, followed by a few bursts of insight or ranting.  Fast forward three years, and you get to my last post--more than two years ago!! But, here I am, ready to try this again.

When I last wrote, I was planning on changing some things in my life--lose weight, take time for me, enjoy the quiet of my home, among others.  Well, I can proudly say that I have lost weight, about 25 pounds in two years (a total of nearly 70lbs lost since I started).  I found the courage and strength to try something new, via a friend of mine.  I don't follow it religiously, but if I find that my eating is out of control, or if my weight starts creeping up, then I go back to my trusty friend, the 21 Day Fix, via Beachbody.

So what else has changed since I last wrote?  I'm so glad you asked.  The following list is in no particular order. I hope I remember all the really good things that have happened!

I became a mini-van mom. I never thought I would, but I love my Honda Odyssey. The kids think it's pretty awesome, too (built-in DVD player).

I became a leader in Keira's Daisy Scout troop. She is now a first year Brownie, and will take cookie orders in January!  The real bonus, at least for me, is meeting more adults with whom I can interact.

I was diagnosed with ADD.  Who knew?  Not I.  Suddenly, so many things in my life were made clear. Why wasn't this caught sooner? I was a successful student, I was white, and I was female.  But that discussion is for another time.

Thanksgiving of last year was on the non-traditional side of things.  We, along with my mom and my bff, spent several days at Myrtle Beach. We had been planning to go to Edisto, but hurricane Matthew had other ideas.  It was Keira's first time on a South Carolina beach--she pretty much loved it! Also, we finally did make it to Edisto this summer--amazing as always.

In 2016, we took the kids "out west." Well, to the Midwest! We were headed to Chicago for a family wedding, so we added in a few stops along the way.  The kids got to see the Notre Dame campus and where Joe and I lived when we were first married.  We also saw many family members for the first time in many years. Good times.

In March of this year, our beloved tuxedo kitty Pepper died. He was nearly 17, and he had a good life. Joe and I were overwhelmed by the grief of losing this fur baby.  It was also the first "real" experience with death for Nathan and Keira.  They definitely took it hard.

In June, we brought home a new tuxedo boy named Checkers (originally Aragog) and a pretty torty girl named Paisley.  We have all really enjoyed watching the kittens grow and play.  Well, okay, Dusty hasn't really loved it!

There have been birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and lots of new experiences. I truly hope to stick with this blog this time.  In some way, it makes me not feel so isolated and lonely--that other people are reading about my life, and reaching out.  Until next time...

A Change Will Do You Good

      It appears that I haven't blogged in a while--like almost 3 years.  WHAT? Yeah, well.  In the coming weeks I will have more time to myself, which also means more time to blog. In just less than 3 weeks, my children will be returning to school.  Nathan will be in 3rd grade, and Keira (yes, that once super tiny baby) will be in kindergarten.  I still haven't figured out how and when they got so big.  I will also have more time on my hands because I have decided to leave the field of childcare for the foreseeable future.  Don't get me wrong--it can be a very rewarding job.  However, it is also physically and mentally draining--even more so when you have your own two children, one of whom is special needs.  It's time for a change in my life--time to stop caring exclusively for other people, and time to concentrate on me.
      At the end of the week, I am exhausted and I have nothing left to give. That means my husband and my kids spend the weekend with a tired, grumpy, and often frazzled woman.  I can't say for sure, but I would guess that's not really that much fun.  I do know this--it is *not* fun to be cranky and irritated all the time, yelling at the members of your family for no apparent reason.  I feel guilty about it, but don't really have any coping mechanisms (except Xanax!).  I know my depression and anxiety certainly play a role.
      All that being said, this will not be a year of sitting on my butt eating bonbons or going to the spa.  This will be about making my life healthier.  Obviously there is the physical aspect--I am hoping to find at least one method of exercising that I don't hate.  I need to lose more weight, and I need to move my body.  Of course, none of the exercise helps if I continue to eat junk.  I hope to make more home-cooked, healthy meals for my family.  I might even learn to like a new food!  Also, my mental health is an issue.  I have battled depression and anxiety since high school, but it gets harder to cope each year.  I am hoping to find a therapist who can help me find new ways of battling against negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and anxiety.  The meds I take are only one dimension of achieving better mental health. 
    Another way I intend to use this newly found time is to find something I can be passionate about.  I have no hobbies to speak of, which leads me to watch too much TV and not enough "doing" something.  I used to cross-stitch, but I haven't done that since I was pregnant for Nathan!  Crochet seems interesting. I can see myself volunteering, though I am not sure for what group or cause--seems a little trial and error will be necessary.  I would also love to find a good book club, or a women's spiritual/church group. In turn, these activities should lead to more opportunities for me to be social and meet new people.
    Will these changes be easy?  Will I find a hobby with the first thing I try? Will I find a good therapist (man, I hope so!)?  Will these changes make me happy? Honestly, I have no idea--I have never been on a journey like this.  I do know it will make things less stressful at home. I hope to enjoy my time with Nathan and Keira more, and learn new things with them. Joe and I will also have a chance to better our relationship.  The plan now is to meet for lunch once a month, where we can just eat and talk, and not worry about cooking/cleaning up or cajoling the children into eating.  We get very little time to ourselves as a couple, and I, for one, am looking forward to catching up with my hubby!
    I do hope you will take this journey with me, even if it just means reading my blog.  You don't have to comment, say things on Facebook, or even call or email.  Just knowing I have my friends and family behind me, no matter what, is a source of great joy and inspiration.  Maybe you could even share tales of your own journey.  It's good to be back in the world of blogging.  I hope to not be gone so long next time!

Grits Casserole

I took this dish to an early morning Notre Dame tailgate (aka, Kegs 'n Eggs), where it was surprisingly well-received.  Most people shuddered in disgust at the mere mention of this southern comfort food, but they did say they were willing to try it.  Ddespite being a major part of America's bread basket and major corn grower, grits are not part of the Indiana palate.  In fact, I had to have my mother send me grits to make this because I couldn't find them in the stores there (well, not anything other than instant ones).  This recipe is pretty easy to modify, and I will include some of those modifications at the end.  Hope y'all like it as much as we do!

Grits Casserole

1 cup of grits (cook one cup grits to 4 cups of water)

1 pound bulk breakfast sausage, cooked and drained

1 can cream of celery soup

1/2 cup, each, green pepper and onion, sauteed

1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese

After grits have cooked, mix all remaining ingredients into the pot of hot grits; stir well to combine. Pour into a greased 2qt. casserole (or 9x13, or 11x14) dish. Bake, covered with foil, at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until bubbly and set in the middle.

Notes: Turkey sausage or spicy sausage can be used in place of regular breakfast sausage.  Also, I like to use a mix of red and green peppers for more color.  I always use more cheese, but that's a personal preference.  This can be made the day/night before, just be sure you allow extra time for it to heat all the way through.

So I tried to write this blog post last year and I never did figure out just how to say what I wanted to say.  When I wake in the morning, it will be the 6th year I have been without my dad.  I think of him everyday, even if just for a minute.   Actually, I have tried many times.  I never feel like I can do him or the topic justice.  Certainly there are things he has missed (i.e. meeting his three grandchildren, seeing the first black man (re?) elected president, all the cool technology).  There are also things I am glad he hasn't seen: the Braves' epic meltdown at the end of last season; that college sports are still more important than college education; and the way people who are different than us are still treated as second-class citizens.

Just about this time six years ago, I told my dying father that his line would be carried on--I was pregnant with his first grandchild.  He and my step-mother were the only two people (besides myself and hubby) that knew we were expecting.  Now, it was early enough in my pregnancy that I didn't know if I would make it through the first trimester or not.  Despite my own fear of loss and miscarriage (which clearly, thank heavens, didn't happen) I wanted my dad to know that I was pregnant.  I couldn't be with him the last few days or even hours of his life.  Honestly, I don't think I would have handled it very well. I like to think that I gave him one last gift of joy before he was gone from the earth.
I think about him everyday, most especially when I look at that first grandchild, Nathan.  He likes black jelly beans best of all, like my dad.  He is curious about everything, and wants to know how everything works, like my dad.  I see him everywhere I look: food; baseball; politics; college sports; Charleston, S.C.; human and civil rights; films (most recently Moneyball); family. His spirit is here with me, in my heart, everyday.  Sometimes it lives in Nathan, and now at times in Keira.  But mostly, he is in my heart--telling me to speak up and speak out; to try new things; to be brave.  And in my heart is where he shall stay. 

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

We went to Smith Memorial Playground in Philadelphia this weekend.  If you are local and haven't been, it's worth the drive--even on a Sunday when there is a Beagles home football game.  All in all, we had a nice time--met the cousins and grandpa, played, picnicked and played some more before heading home.  One of the coolest features of this playground is an old-fashioned wooden slide--you know, the ones you ride down on a burlap sack?  Well, Nathan decided he wanted to go down so I walked up the ramp with him, reminding him that I wouldn't be going down the slide with him, but that I would be meeting him at the bottom.  While patiently waiting his turn, two older girls came running up the ramp and pushed past him.  He said, "Hey!  You can't push in front--you have to wait your turn!"  [I am silently cheering because taking turns and waiting is something he has really working on, and he did it just right!]  However, the dad of one (or both, I couldn't tell) hears Nathan doing the right thing and promptly says "you can't tell my girls what to do," INSTEAD of reminding the girls to wait their turns.  WHAT THE !@(#$*Y)#*@Y%!!!  To Nathan's credit, he didn't argue, get physical with the girls or anything.  He looked at me with the saddest eyes and said, "but mom, they aren't following the rules, and I am."  I know, baby.  I wanted to punch that guy in the face so hard that he would be pooping teeth for a week.  I know violence isn't the answer, but really?  My kid has a hard time socially, and when he does the right thing I want to scream it from the mountain tops!  Dang if it doesn't make me mad when adults, especially those lucky enough to be parents, act like children.

While having our picnic yesterday, Nathan grabbed a handful of pretzel sticks and said--I used to hold my crayons like this, but now I know the right way.  Cousin J. says, yeah, I know how to hold pens and pencils and write--it's easy.  Awkward moment--one of Nathan's biggest physical struggles is with writing and with holding tools and utensils properly.  I said, Cousin J., it's not easy for everyone.  After lunch, the kids were running around having "races."  Cousin J. wins the first race, not realizing that Nathan had fallen down.  Next race, Nathan wins and goes back to make sure Cousin J. is okay, to make sure he didn't fall or anything.  There was a bit of a discussion related to competition/winning.  Yeah, it's nice to win, but it's more important that you finish the race/game/task you have started. NICE guys (or gals) finish first. 

I don't expect other people to raise their kids the same way I raise mine.  I wouldn't want someone to tell me the "right" way to raise my kids. Regardless of the hows, whys, and wherefores, we must teach our children to be nice--to each other and to themselves (I still have a bit of a problem with that last part). A friend of mine posted this on Facebook last week.  

4 Tips for Living a Better Life 

Live without pretending.

Love without depending.

Listen without defending

Speak without offending.

Certainly, these 4 ideas won't make for a perfect life, likely not even a great one.  But let's just try for a while to all be honest, caring, sincere and NICE to each other.  If my 5 year-old with social/behavioral issues can do, so can we.  Please be nice to me.  Please be nice to each other.  Please be nice to yourself.



Bloggy Birthday

Happy birthday to me!  Well, to my blog.  I wasn't sure when I started this blog how long it would last, how often I might contribute, or if anyone would actually read it.  The results aren't that impressive, at least not to me.  I was hoping to meet more people in the blogging world.  One of the main reasons I don't have more followers is that I just learned about linking-up thanks to  Beth and Valerie.  It will still take me a while to make this a blogging habit.  I am pleased, however, that I can be (brutally) honest with myself and with my readers.  I feel no reason to not be authentic, real and human.  That authenticity makes the bitter pill of life a bit easier to swallow, because I know others get a true sense of what is happening in my life.
So, if you are new here, welcome!  If you have made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope you will keep coming back.

Nathan's first birthday--the boy loved his cake, just like his momma!

Liebster Award

So it appears that I have been nominated for a blog award!  How cool is that?  My sweet friend Valerie has nominated me for this, and I am totally blown away.  I mean, I haven't even been blogging that long, and she thinks I am worthy of an award.  Thanks! 

This award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.  Liebster is German and means sweetest, kind, lovely, endearing and welcome.
How it Works:
Each person must post 11 things about themselves.

Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, then create 11 questions for the people you tag.
Select up to 11 bloggers and link them to your post.
Go to their page and tell them.
No tag backs, and have fun!

11 Things About Me:

I love to read, especially fiction that is set in the South or at the beach. I also enjoys memoirs and cookbooks!
I have two cats: Pepper (12 yo male) licks/sucks/nurses my husband's ears, but will take mine if hubby isn't around.  Dusty (8yo female) nuzzles/nurses an old blanket of mine.
I really enjoy driving a manual transmission car.  Even my CR-V is a stick shift.
I was a virgin when I got married.
I use only Duke's Mayonnaise--yep, it's a big deal.
I took Latin in high school and in college.  I also have a minor in Classics.
I am pretty low-maintenance: I don't wear make up (unless I need to dress up for something), and I don't use a hair dryer or any other styling aid or implement.  I am a wash-and-go kinda girl.
I hate it when my food touches.  I also hate when other people mix their food together and I have to look at it--makes me queasy.
I hate swimming in lakes. I really don't like walking in all that gooey stuff. I never got my swimming girl scout badge because of this. I also don't eat anything that comes from a lake.
I drank more alcohol before I was 21 than I have since. The thrill of it being illegal was great fun. If I were to have a drink, it would be a mixed drink. I don't do beer, ever. I don't prefer wine.
I can list my class schedules and teachers (in order) from middle school on. Totally bizarre, I know.

My Questions:
1. What is your biggest fear?  Hmm.  I do have fears of things like tall buildings and spiders, but my biggest fear is having my family harmed or maimed in some way.  I don't think I could go on without them.

2.  What is your favorite word? I honestly have no idea! 

3.  Are you a morning person or night person? I'd like to be a night person, but I have these two small children who don't seem to have any concept of time! One of these days I will get to stay up late and sleep in again!

4.  If you could do things over again, would you?  Any aspect of your life.  Yes--I wish I had not been so afraid of rejection that I only applied to "safe" schools for college. Once in college, I wish I had tried more things, been a little edgier, been less depressed, and more curious.

5.  What did you want to be when you grew up? I guess I always wanted to teach, in some form or another.

6.  Nature or nurture? Darn, I have to choose one?  I guess I would have to go with nurture--we could all use a little more love, support and understanding.

7.  What is your favorite movie? My Fair Lady.

8.  If you could change one thing about yourself, would you?  What would it be? Yes--my teeth.

9.  What has blogging done for you? Blogging has allowed me to be honest with, and about, myself.  I write many of the things I am either afraid to say out loud, or that I fear judgement on.  My blog is also a sounding board for me.

10.  What would you like to do when you retire? I would love to walk the beach in the mornings, read or cook during the day, and walk in the surf again in the evening. 

11.  Describe yourself in just one word. Encouraged.

Here are YOUR questions:

1. What is your proudest moment?
2. Do you have any hobbies?  Do you wish you did?
3. Are there things you won't blog about, either for the sake of privacy or the nature of the topic?
4. How would your define a good (not perfect) day?
5. Do you have (a) guilty pleasure(s)? 
6. What do you miss most about your childhood?
7. What is your favorite meal?  What makes it so special?
8. Are you obsessed with anything?
9. What is the worst job you have ever had?
10. What is your favorite part of being an adult/parent/grown-up?
11. Where is the farthest place you have ever been?

Here are the nominees:
mailto:Beth@The%20Angel%20Forever--Beth and I met in an online mommies group--we have learned an awful lot about each other these last 5 years!
Danielle@mostdaysiwin-- An amazing writer, cook and mom!
Kim@booknurd69-- fellow bibliophile, mayo connoisseur, and Southern female democrat
Emily@adancinglight-- I haven't known Emily for very long, but she has a special story, and handles things with such grace, and she has 2 very sweet pups


Thanks again, Valerie, for thinking of me!  Have fun and enjoy!

Anniversary Cake

My grandmother used to make pound cakes in multiples, like 5 or 6 in a day.  She would cut them in half, wrap one half and freeze it.  Often she would send at least one of the other halves back to the College of Charleston with my daddy, who was skinny as a rail from running cross-country and track. 

When Joe and I got married one of the best parts of planning was selecting the cake.  I mean, who doesn't love cake?  We found a woman who made a lemon pound cake that was Uh-may-zing!  Let me tell you how special it was.  When I walked into the reception hall, I smelled something wonderful.  It was my cake!  It was excellent that day, and one year later. 

This year we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary.  Instead of buying something or making a standard chocolate cake, I decided to try my hand at a pound cake.  Before I share this recipe, I should note that my sister is queen of the pound cake--why would I bother making one when hers are the best?  Well, being 9 hours apart from each other and all, I didn't think she would be coming up just to bake us a cake!  Without further ado, here is the recipe:

Pearl Pound Cake, from the Sandlapper Cookbook

2 sticks butter, at room temperature

1/2 c. shortening

1 c. milk

3 c. sugar

3 c. flour

1 tsp. baking powder

5 large eggs

1-2 tsp. flavoring

Grease and lightly flour a large tube pan.
Cream butter and shortening well.  Add sugar gradually.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.  Add baking powder to flour, and add alternately with the milk to the creamed mixture.  Bake at 325 degrees for 1 hour, 20 minutes.  Cool in pan. 

Hope y'all enjoy this as much as I do.  Look out, sister, there's a new pound cake maker in this family!

A Visit to the Neurologist

Due in part to my child's pediatrician being awesome, we were able to get in with a pediatric neurologist this past week.  Having never been to a neurologist, pediatric or otherwise, I had no idea what to expect.  The four of us spent a little more than 2 hours with the doctor.  Talk about thorough!  We talked about everything from Nathan's slightly early arrival (insignificant) to his aversion to loud noises (significant).  We talked about developmental milestones, injuries, and Nathan's ability to read and spell. A great many things seemed trivial to me, but not the doctor.  Guess that's why he has the initials M.D. right?!

Once we were done getting through the details of Nathan's childhood, the good doctor started his physical evaluations: reflexes, listening to the blood flow up to Nathan's brain, walking heel-to-toe and that sort of thing.  It was truly fascinating to watch the doctor do this--all the while, Nathan was completely complicit and obedient, if not a little distracted at times.

We came home with a lot of new information to digest, as well as some local resources to help us get started with things.  We learned that Nathan's original diagnosis of ADHD is correct--there are just other things mitigating his treatment and responses.  There are, indeed, some neurological (and sensory) deficits.  Mostly Nathan seems to have auditory and tactile issues, which we knew, and he does exhibit some sensory-seeking behaviors.  The doctor also identified hypotonia, both in Nathan's hands and feet.  The hypotonia is causing Nathan difficulty with fine and gross motor activities (no wonder the kid has trouble with his bike, and why he refuses to "write" much of anything).  Perhaps the most notable piece of information is that Nathan seems to exhibit Autism-like tendencies.  This puts him in a category known as ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorders.  More specifically, he seems to have Aspergers's Syndrome.

The treatments for these things will vary greatly, and only the ADHD is treatable with medications.  As for the hypotonia and Asperger's, the treatments are non-pharmaceutical.  He will need extensive occupational therapy (OT) and physical therapy (PT) as well as social skills training.  We have lots of reading to do, and lots of therapy to prepare for.  The learning curve will be very steep for a while.  There will still be bumps in the road, but now that we have a map and itinerary, we are set for a great trip!

Consistency is the Key

Two really tough things for me as a parent are consistency and follow-through.  My grandmother once said the hardest thing you will ever have to do as a parent is say NO.  Boy, was she right!  Today we were all supposed to go to a birthday party, depending on whether or not Nathan behaved himself earlier in the day.  From the minute he got up this morning, he fussed, whined, moaned, griped and cried.  About what?  Who knows.  We had repeatedly told him that if he couldn't act better than that, he would be staying home with me.  He was actually fairly calm when Joe and Keira left--it wasn't until he realized where they were going did he start to get upset.  As it turns out, he and I had a nice afternoon.  We played with (little) Legos and his magnetic balls and sticks, both of which he can't play with when Keira is nearby.  I got to putter in the yard for a while which is incredibly therapeutic for me.  He had a dinner of his choice (mini corn dogs and fries) along with Disney's Robin Hood as a movie.  When Keira gets home it will be bath night, and then off to bed with prayers, stories and lullabies.  And all will be right with the world again, as my children turn into heavenly creatures as they sleep.

I hate telling him (or Keira) no--it makes me feel bad.  However, I know that I am doing the right thing: I set boundaries and established rules, and I follow through with the appropriate consequences.  It's true--children do thrive when there is stability and constancy, both in their daily routines and in the world around them.  For a child like Nathan, who doesn't tolerate change well, it is even more critical.  So while I may feel lousy for saying "No" I know that I am doing the best for my child, and for me.  And that's all that matters.

Nilla Wafers Banana Pudding

I figured after the last several posts, we could all use a little cheering up.  Nothing does it for me quite like comfort food.  This is another one of those southern staples that so many have tried to re-create.  Try as they may, they ALL fail miserably!  I grew up eating this delectable concoction all through the year, not just picnic season. I hope you will enjoy it as well!

3/4 cup sugar
2 T. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
3 eggs, separated
2 cups milk
1 tsp. vanilla
box of vanilla wafers
6 medium bananas, sliced

Combine 1/2 cup sugar, flour, and salt in top of double boiler; stir in milk.  Cook over boiling water, stirring constantly, until thickened.  Cook uncovered for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Remove from heat.  Beat egg yolks, adding slowly to the hot mixture.  Return to double boiler and cook for 5 minutes, stirring constantly.  Remove from heat, and add vanilla.  Line the bottom of a 1 1/2 quart (or 9x13) with cookies.  Top with bananas and custard.  Continue layers, ending with custard on top.  Beat egg whites stiff, not dry.  Gradually add remaining 1/4 cup sugar and beat until stiff peaks form.  Pile on casserole.  Bake at 425 for 5 minutes, or until lightly browned.  Serve warm or chilled.

Hope y'all enjoy this as much as I do. Let me know if you like it.  No other banana pudding-wannabes will be accepted after you eat this--I promise! 

The Real Deal (or, my authentic self)

Lately I have been feeling out of sorts, and I wonder if some of that doesn't stem from me trying to appear a certain way.  I want to be seen as patient, kind, understanding, confident.  I want to be the mom who appears to be cool-and-collected, the "fun" mom, the "cool" mom.  But what are any of those things really?  Those labels are mostly applied by people outside the realm of my home.  It would be terrific if people really thought those things of me.  But the more important issue is how I see myself, and how my kids see me.  To achieve that, I must break off the relationship I have with negative self-talk; I must seek joy in the everyday things; I must be honest with myself and others; I need to break out of my comfort zone, and be afraid to try new things; I must allow myself to fail (and succeed!); I must forgive myself (and other).

Today, I will be honest with you about myself.  Here are a few things that you may or may not know about me:

• I love to eat.  A lot.  I am working hard on changing this, because this way of life is too damaging to continue.
• I have lousy teeth, and I hate the dentist.
• I am the opposite of high-maintenance: I don't use a blow dryer or styling products for my hair; I rarely wear make up; I own tennies and sandals, with dress shoes in the standard colors (black, white, etc).
• I would rather load the dishwasher than unload it.  Same for packing a suitcase versus unpacking it.
• I believe in God, but do not go to church.  I pray every night, and we say the blessing before dinner each evening.
• I prefer to drive a manual transmission vehicle.
• I would love to have a creative outlet outside of coloring with my kids.

Feel free to ask me anything you wish.  There is no guarantee that I will answer the questions, but I have nothing to hide.  Here's a parting question for you: what are your sources of joy?
Thanks for reading, and keep coming back--I hope you get to know me while I get to know myself!

No answers

So we still don't have any answers about Nathan.  I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get him seen by a pediatric neurologist.  The more I read and watch his behaviors, the more I think that the original diagnosis of ADHD is wrong.  I really feel like there is a sensory aspect to all of his behaviors/issues.  Of course, I am no doctor, but it seems to me that a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a better fit. 
He has been on the a stimulant now for about 3 1/2 weeks, and hasn't shown much improvement.  I see that most of the things that were issues before are still issues.  I am really anxious about registering him for school, but I know that I have to do it for him, and for me.  I am frustrated, he is frustrated, and it makes for a very tense household!

Hindsight

We've all heard the saying that hindsight is 20/20.  Upon receiving a diagnosis for Nathan, and doing some reading on ADHD, I see things about his development that now make sense:

• Nathan has always been on the go.  It used to drive me bonkers that he couldn't sit down at the dinner table for all his squirming.  He also had a tough time with circle/line time.  Surprisingly, he has always done very well on long car rides. 
• Because of his inability to focus or stay on task, potty training was a nightmare.  He didn't want to be bothered to pay attention to the signals his body was giving him.  Also, just the act of going into the bathroom was a problem because he didn't want to stop his activity.
• He has a low frustration-tolerance.  I thought it was just because he was my child; I don't have much patience and I get frustrated when things don't go just the right way.  This may be the answer for why he can't hold a writing utensil correctly, or write many letters or numbers.  He can tell you precisely how they are formed, and can make letters/shapes out of other things (like pretzels or blocks).  I think he just can't be bothered to sit still long enough to learn how.  I wonder if that was my dad's problem?
• I do believe that his lack of focus is also to blame for him not riding his bike more proficiently.  He can steer OR pedal, but he has a tough time remembering to do both.  Same thing with his scooter.  We have been practicing, but it has to be his idea.

In spite of his struggles and challenges, Nathan does some other things amazingly well.  Like reading--he is reading well beyond what I consider a 1st grade level, and his vocabulary is quite large.  He is quite articulate, more so than some older kids I know.  I also feel like there are no strangers to Nathan--he will talk to anyone he encounters.  He has a wonderful memory--he forgets NOTHING.  I sometimes wonder if he has a photographic memory.

So here is my question to you: what do you see better now that you are beyond a certain situation?
Thanks for reading.

Putting it all out there...

     See that sweet face up there?  Yes, I realize he is only 3 here, but that's not the point.  The point is that my sweet, affectionate, curious and highly-intelligent son is possessed.  I don't mean in the traditional Satanic and demonic way; but in a very real way, known to the general public as ADHD. 

     I can't even tell you when it first started, or when I began to notice that things were just "not right."  Nathan talked early, and talked well.  Once he started, he never stopped.  Ever (except for sleep!).  But I didn't see anything wrong with it; in fact, it was a comfort for me that on nights he couldn't/didn't fall asleep easily, I could hear him chattering away to himself in his bed--there was very little fussing or crying. I do believe he would talk himself to sleep.  Now there is no quiet unless he is sleeping.

     Nathan was also able to entertain himself for long periods of time (upwards of 45 min as a toddler).  It meant I could do housework, cook a meal, or <gasp> read a book.  However, when it came time for him to sit still for others (ie, circle time at school) he couldn't.  It wasn't even a matter of wouldn't.  He was/is physically unable to sit still (not to mention quietly) unless it is of his own choosing.  Even now, the only times he sits for any length of time are when he is reading (again, there is quiet) or when he is in front of his computer. I also noticed that he started playing with his fingers (putting one fingernail under another, chewing or picking at the skin around his nails). He is easily distracted and has a hard time focusing on things.  I chalked it up to him being "all boy."  And some of that is true.  But his inability to sit/be still has caused problems, and I fear it will continue to do so when he attends "real" school in the fall.

      He is impulsive, prone to mood swings and tantrums, and sometimes out-right rude and out of control.  One of the most difficult things for me is that I dont' know which Nathan I will get when he wakes in the morning.  He is destructive, especially when angry, and cannot be trusted not to demolish things.  He can be physically abusive to family, friends, and schoolmates. I don't believe that it is all malicious, though certainly some, if not most, of it is.  Rather, I believe he sees it as a science experiment--what will happen to X if I do/say/ Y.  He sees the consequence(s) of his action as a scientific result, not as an "I did something bad, and deserve to be reprimanded." 

   We have tried charts, points, rewards, goals, counting to 3 (which has by far been the most effective), loss of privileges, sending him to his room.   When these things failed, I knew it was time to seek professional help.  We started seeing a therapist here in town--she helped me tweak some of the behavior modifications that I had tried.  That helped some.  By this time, hubby and I were seriously thinking about medicating Nathan.  Did we really want to medicate a child under the age of 5?  What if the medication(s) didn't help, or made things worse?  Was there anything else we could try?  Sadly, we were not able to come up with any other alternatives.  Just after the new year started, Nathan started taking a non-stimulant.  The side effects were minimal. Unfortunately, the benefits were as well.  Now, with his 5th birthday imminent, we are planning to "celebrate" by getting a prescription filled for a stimulant. 

     Now, if you are still reading, thank you!  I am sharing this because I need people to know that my child is not a monster. I am so sorry if my child ever hurt yours--I can't begin to  say how sorry I am, because it can never be enough. He is not a bad kid. He is not a bully.  I don't want him to be the one parents roll their eyes at upon seeing him.  I want him to have friends.  I want him to feel like a normal kid, whatever that means.  I want him to be successful in school, and whatever else he may want to try (sports, chess, gardening, etc). 

   I also need for people to understand how exhausting and frustrating it can be as a parent in this situation.  I have left work (with kids in tow) in tears.  I go to sleep crying some nights.  I get angry, irritable, and mean.  I yell at my kids.  I pop Nathan's hands and behind.  I don't like it.  I hate being angry with him.  It is NOT his fault, or mine, that he is this way.  I wish I could wave a magic wand to bring back my sweet child.  I know he is still there, for I see glimpses of him every now and then.

I'm Still Here

I didn't blog one single time in October.  It wasn't intentional, to say the least.  Here's a condensed version of my October:
1--my mother flies in for 10 days.  Joe was supposed to go for a work training thing, but it got cancelled.  My kids couldn't get enough of Oma.

3--the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing.  A sad day (I have a post from this day, but not ready to share it yet), but tried to spend the day thinking of all the good times I had with him.

11--take mom back to the airport in Baltimore--great trip down, lousy trip home.  Keira was tired beyond belief but wouldn't fall asleep, lest she miss something.  I guess I deserve that--my mom says I was the same way at that age.

14--wake up from an evening nap on the couch, feeling like a panic attack was imminent.  Went upstairs, dosed myself with Xanax and took a shower.  Got sick, spent most of the night breathing into a paper bag, and ended up sleeping in the guest room.

15--take the children to a friend's Fall Festival.  There is tons of good food, and nothing even looks good.  Children had lots of fun.  I felt mostly okay while we were there, but didn't make it through the evening without getting sick.

16--still feeling lousy.  I can't keep anything down, begin to worry about dehydration.

17--doctor's appointment--confirms that I am likely dehydrated, and wants me admitted to the hospital (via the ER) to get IV fluids.  Come home, very upset, to pack a bag for the hospital.  I leave home in tears, leaving my son in tears and my hubby very uncertain about the situation.  I arrive at the ER, whereupon I get sick several more times as I waited most impatiently to be admitted.  I was finally admitted around 8 that night.  The nurses had a hard time finding a vein, and left several nasty bruises in the process.  Blood work comes back and the doctor doesn't seem surprised that my liver enzymes are elevated.  He talks about it being pancreatitis (very scary for a diabetic) or my gall bladder. **I have eaten nothing today.**

18--spend the day laying in a not-so-comfy hospital bed, getting pumped full of fluids and antibiotics, waiting to find out what the doctors have to say.  I am given meds for nausea and pain, but no food or drink.  Not even ice chips.  By late afternoon, a doctor comes by to tell me that they are going to put a scope down my throat to see the gall stones and see if they can move/dislodge them.

19--get a visit from sweet hubby and delightful daughter.  She was fascinated by all the monitors, but mostly by the hospital-issue comb and toothbrush!  I am prepped for my procedure around 1pm, and I am back in my room by 3 or 4pm.  **Still no food or water by mouth**

20--prepped for surgery around noon.  A second day of general anesthesia, and this time 4 little cuts (laparascopic surgery).  Back upstairs by around 5pm.  The best news of the day--I can have clear fluids (ginger ale, broth, etc).  Who knew that broth could taste so good?!  My mom also flies back to help with the children (and me, when I am home) while I am incapacitated.

21--released from hospital with a flu vaccine and pain pills.  So glad to be home with my babies and into my own bed!

27--30--Hubby flies to Notre Dame to recruit for his employer.  While there, he goes to a football game, meets up with friends and colleagues and even a family member.  No one was more deserving of this trip, but I know my mom and I (and the kids, of course) were glad to have him home!

31--Halloween!  Sent goody bags to school for Nathan, made homemade pizza for dinner, then got the kids dressed up: Nathan was James from Thomas and Friends and Keira was a pegasus.  I stayed home to hand out candy while my mom and Joe made the rounds with the kids.

How was your month?  Also, please let November be boring!  Boring is good.

Macaroni Pie

This recipe comes from Charleston Reciepts, a staple in South Carolina kitchens.  This has no white sauce or bechemel, so if that's what you are looking for, keep looking!

1/2 pound macaroni
1 heaping tablespoon butter
1 1/2 cups sharp cheese, cubed
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
3 eggs
1 pint milk

Cook macaroni in rapidly boiling water for ten minutes. Drain. Stir butter and cheese--leaving abuot 1/2 cup to sprinkle on top of pie--into the hot macaroni; add salt, pepper and mustard.  Beat eggs into the mixture, add milk and mix well.  Put into greased baking dish, sprinkle top with remaining cheese and dot with butter.  Bake in moderate oven (about 375) until set in the middle and bubbly and golden.

NB: I always use more cheese (approx 2 cups).  I also prefer white pepper, and I use a whole teaspoon of mustard.  You will need a total of 2-3 T of butter.  You can certainly use margarine, if you like.
I hope y'all will enjoy this recipe as much as I have over the years.

A glimpse into my childhood (or why my dad is better than yours)

My childhood started out much the same as many others: both parents were working so I went to day care.  That may be where the similarities end.  My dad quit his job at the University of South Carolina and became the stay-at-home parent when I was still a little girl.  It was UH-may-zing.  I wouldn't realize until many years passed how odd this was for the times.  But there he was--chief cook and bottle washer.  And he thrived in that role. Sure, he took me to story time at the library and he took me with him when he went to the grocery store.  I also went with him when he worked our polling place, when he went to the hardware store, and wherever else his daily errands might take him.  There were also plenty of quiet mornings at home, with him listening to NPR's Radio Reader and me coloring, or playing or "reading" to myself.  When I was old enough to go to school, it got even better.  My dad would make us super lunches and he was a chaperone on field trips.  So what if your mom was there--my DAD was there!  In second grade he volunteered to be the homeroom parent, and was turned down--they wanted a homeroom MOM, not a homeroom DAD.  I'll never forget that.  He handled our problems at school, though I am sure the teachers he encountered wished he hadn't--the man had a magnificent vocabulary and could rip you a new one and you would thank him for it, not realizing what he actually said! 
It wasn't until I was nearly 8 that I realized my family didn't work the same way as everyone else's. Silly me, I just assumed all dads did the cooking (and laundry and grocery shopping, etc). Everything in our house was equal-opportunity: whoever saw that the trash was full emptied it; he who cooked did not clean; everyone helped with laundry. It was also around this time I first had Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the first time: what was the obsession with this strangely colored pasta dish?  It certainly wasn't the mac and cheese I was used to.  (Recipe coming soon)
I am sure it never occurred to my parents that they were helping me choose my spouse with this arrangement. But that is just what happened.  I love spending time in the kitchen, especially baking and prepping for large gatherings of people.  But my work schedule just doesn't allow that right now.  Lucky for me, I married someone like my dad--a man who can hold his own in the kitchen.  Joe and I also take turns dealing with the children, taking out the trash, and doing dishes and laundry.  By no means is our system perfect (whose is, by the way?), but it works for us.  And I have my forward-thinking parents to thank.

Last night I slept with Nathan. In his twin-sized bed.  All night.  With cats meandering in and out.  Sleep is not exactly the right word, considering I was kicked, elbowed, and whacked many times during the night.  When Nathan heard Joe's alarm clock the night was over.  At 6:25.  I got out of bed, feeling abused and more tired than when I first attempted bed last night. 
Keira has been going to bed around 7 or 7:30 in the evening, and sleeping nearly around the clock.  She is limited to a strict 2 1/2 hour nap during the week.  Not because I don't want her to sleep more, but I have to go to this thing called a job. Today, my little songbird of happiness was awake around 7:15.  When we got home at noon, it was nap time.  Or not.  She fussed, whined and sobbed for nearly an hour (moms have to take a shower sometime!).  I checked her diaper (clean) and put her back in the bed.  She had eaten well this morning so I didn't count on hunger being an issue.  Twenty minutes later I found myself going back up the stairs to retrieve the little miss.  She picked at her food, but did drink all of her milk.  Afterwards, I take her up the stairs, change her diaper, and put her to bed.  I am not even down the hallway when I hear her screaming again.  What is going on?!  Anyway, she finally fell asleep about 1:45.  We leave here for school/work at 2:40. 
In an ideal world, I would put both children down for a nap (or at least mandatory rest/quiet time) and I would then crawl into my bed for a nap as well.  But alas, I live in reality and this just isn't going to happen.  Guess it will be early to bed for me tonight!

In a New York Minute

Today is a day filled with remembrances and reflection.  I know where I was at the time of the attacks, but that doesn't matter, really.  It is certainly one of those "where were you" moments that often defines a generation, or a nation, or both.  As I was driving home from the grocery store today, I flipped the radio on to see what NPR might have on.  When they switched to local news (Philadelphia news) I changed the station.  Just as I was tuning in, the announcer said something about one of Don Henley's songs.  It was written long before the events of that tragic day transpired, but it's lines echo true:
                             New York MinuteHarry got up
Dressed all in black
Went down to the station
And he never came back
They found his clothing
Scattered somewhere down the track
And he won't be down on Wall Street
in the morning

He had a home
The love of a girl
But men get lost sometimes
As years unfurl
One day he crossed some line
And he was too much in this world
But I guess it doesn't matter anymore

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get pretty strange
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

Lying here in the darkness
I hear the sirens wail
Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
You better hang on tooth and nail
The wolf is always at the door

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
Things can get a little strange
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

And in these days
When darkness falls early
And people rush home
To the ones they love
You better take a fool's advice
And take care of your own
One day they're here;
Next day they're gone

I pulled my coat around my shoulders
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
"Baby, I've changed. Please come back."

What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there's somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe

In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
You can get out of the rain
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute

Once home, I just sat in my car listening to these haunting words, with tears streaming down my face.  It took me a minute to compose myself before going inside to my waiting family.  We spent the rest of the day together just being silly and being with each other.  Tonight, as I put them to put, I will hug them a little tighter, and look into their eyes just a little longer.  Please, never forget and never stop working for peace.
Dona nobis pacem.
Anne